The List
by SprayPaintedShoes
Summary: Everyone's favourite Marauders make a list of one hundred tasks they need to complete by the end of the year. ONESHOT.


**A/N: The Marauders are amazing. I am bored. ENJOY.**

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The Marauders' Kick-Ass List Of Tomfoolery

1. Complete all one hundred tasks on the list before we leave Hogwarts for good in July.

2. Marry Lily Evans.

3. Concoct a super-strong, mind-boggling, memory-wiping love potion and employ a sneaky, but powerful, Confudus charm to make the previous task even remotely achievable.

4. Start a band called 'The Whomping Willows' and have a worldwide hit - song ideas include 'There's A Werewolf Inside Me' and 'The Shack That Shrieks I Love You'.

5. Dye Dumbledore's beard purple.

6. Measure the length of Snivellus's nose and prove that it qualifies for a world record.

7. Successfully complete N.E.W.T's.

8. Fire Wormtail as a list writer for stupid suggestions.

9. Sue the Ministry of Magic for discrimination to squibs and use ensuing victory money to throw a party in the common room.

10. Set Filch and Madame Pince up.

11. Join the Order of the Phoenix.

12. Re-hire Wormtail for moderately good suggestions.

13. Go a week without getting a detention or house points deducted.

14. And … fire him again.

15. Start a school food fight in the Great Hall.

16. Run through Diagon Alley screaming 'THE MUGGLES ARE COMING! THE MUGGLES ARE COMING!'

17. Set Moony up with anything that doesn't howl at the moon.

18. Slap someone with a fish.

19. Prank Peeves.

20. Start a school rumour that Moaning Myrtle is really Professor McGonagall's twin, who died from shock when she saw McGonagall 'getting it on' with her own boyfriend in the girls toilets, which is why she is always so angry and miserable. And ever since, McGonagall has felt guilty for stealing her sister's man and vowed to be ashamedly single for the rest of her life.

21. Get everyone in the school saying the word 'prang'.

22. Speak in a Scottish accent for a month.

23. Find and kill Celestina Warbeck and her bloody cauldron.

24. Prove that the saying 'you could fry an egg with the grease on Snivellus's head' is true.

25. Dye all of the Slytherin's robes an incredibly sexy hot pink.

26. Convince all of the house elves one day that Professor Dumbledore explicitly requested Wellington boots and shoe polish for breakfast.

27. See what happens when you send a pig carrying a bucket of ice with a sign on saying 'I AM LORD OINKMORT' to the Ministry of Magic Auror Department via the Floo Network.

28. Learn how to make Polyjuice Potion.

29. Correct previous task to 'make Moony learn how to make Polyjuice Potion'.

30. Impersonate person of choice with said Polyjuice Potion and wreak havoc.

31. Find out why everyone seems to think my name is Shit Sirius instead of just Sirius. For example, "shit, Sirius! You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!" or, "shit, Sirius! How much alcohol have you had tonight?" and "shit, Sirius! McGonagall's on her way, and she doesn't look happy about this!"

32. Force Wormtail to wear a tutu to school.

33. Give Sirius a flipping haircut.

34. Challenge Dumbledore to a staring competition - and win.

35. Force Wormtail to declare his undying love for Sirius's mother.

36. Start a full-scale house elf rebellion in the kitchens.

37. See how many galleons of Butterbeer it takes us to get filthy drunk.

38. Fake-tan Voldermort.

39. Invent a 13th use of Dragon's Blood just to piss Dumbledore off.

40. Get the Marauders put on Chocolate Frog Cards.

41. Find the room we've heard the house elves call the 'come-and-go-room' and discover the secret about it.

42. Make all of the random objects around the school (e.g. knives, forks, books, candles, doorknobs, toilet flushes, inkpots, quills) into portkeys to somewhere else in the school for a day.

43. Force Wormtail to let us wax his legs, arms and eyebrows.

44. Burn Hagrids ugly, yellow tie and destroy the cologne (for the benefit of everyone within a 100m radius of him).

45. Marry the hottest girl in school, Sally Jenkins.

46. Hex Sirius for being so obsessed with some girl.

47. Hex James even more for being such a bloody hypocrite.

48. Time travel back to the time when we first let Wormtail sit next to us on the Hogwarts Express in first year, and somehow prevent it.

49. Get Rosmerta to laugh at one of our jokes.

50. Correct number 49 to 'get Rosmerta to achieve the impossible by actually finding Sirius's pathetic "what do you get when you cross a Banshee and a cucumber?" joke remotely amusing'.

51. Find worthy heirs for the marauders.

52. Find a way to make James's hair lie flat.

53. Cover all the first-years in jam while they're sleeping, levitate their beds into the Black Lake (with the first years still in them) and let the giant jam-loving squid loose on them.

54. Fill the Prefects bath with custard.

55. Throw Mrs. Norris off the Astronomy Tower.

56. Put cling film and 'Sorcerer Steve's Super Sticky Super Glue, Guaranteed To Stick For Life!' over all of the Slytherin toilet seats.

57. Achieve the ultimately impossible: get Wormtail a girl.

58. Tie Wormtail to a tree in the Forbidden Forest and leave him there overnight.

59. Somehow prove the suspicion that Dumbledore is gay.

60. Enter the Triwizard tournament and WIN.

61. Find out where the vanishing cabinet leads.

62. Push Snivellus through said vanishing cabinet.

63. Use the words 'hullabaloo', 'discombobulate' and 'mimblewimble' in a sentence together.

64. Put itching powder in Snivellus's underwear.

65. Meet a Veela and use the term 'what happens in Hogwarts stays in Hogwarts' to its full advantage.

66. Learn to yodel.

67. Marry Wormtail to a muggle toaster named Janine.

69. Send Wormtail and Janine on a honeymoon to Costco.

70. Find out what happened to number 68 on 'The Marauders' Kick-Ass List Of Tomfoolery'.

71. Check if 'Tomfoolery' is an actual word.

72. Sabotage the Slytherin table in the Great Hall so it serves them old socks and owl poop (courtesy of the owlery) all year round.

73. Make a low buzzing/humming noise in the Library whilst looking perfectly nonchalant and see how many people actually believe that the school is under attack by angry, parchment eating bees.

74. Steal all of Wormtail's clothes when he's in the shower one day and only leave him with a pair of hot pink Y-Fronts.

75. Complain about the unfair treating of Wormtail in most of these tasks, and campaign to stop them.

76. Remind Wormtail that he is no longer a member of the list writing committee due to ridiculously pathetic suggestions, so he should shut his bloody mouth and stop the squeaking.

77. Turn all of the portraits in the castle upside down and see how long it takes people to notice.

78. Find out what the hell the words Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment and Tweak mean.

79. Discover the growing obsession in Sherbet Lemons.

80. Time how long Lucius Malfoy spends in the bathroom and see if that also qualifies as a world record.

81. Figure out why 'watching paint dry' interests Evans so much, and why it prevents her from going out with me.

82. Find out reason why James is such a dolt - it is suspected that he was dropped on his head as a child, but this is unconfirmed.

83. Point out to dear Moony that James is Head Boy, so he can't be that much of an idiot.

84. Find out what strange, dangerous and utterly catastrophic thing forced Dumbledore to make such a stupid, stupid decision.

85. Give a flobberworm firewhiskey and then poke it with a stick.

86. Convince everyone I know that even though Regulus has the same surname as me, lives in the same house I used to live in and shares the same parents, does NOT mean we are in any way related. At all.

87. Steal whatever bit of Moony's brain enables him to stay awake during Binns's lessons.

88. Go joy riding on my Uncle Archie's motorbike.

89. "Loose" Sirius in the middle of Hogsmeade and give out flyers offering a fifty-galleon reward and see who bothers to hand him in.

90. Record how fast Snivellus runs when challenged with a bottle of 'Head and Shoulders' and see if it qualifies for a world record.

91. Start our own 'Marauders Book of Miscreant World Records' to store all of these world records.

92. Put a troll in a circular room and tell it to go and sit in the corner.

93. Broadcast the fact that Peter has a birthmark in the shape of a unicorn on his butt in the Great Hall in the middle of breakfast. Use pictures/live previews if necessary.

94. Change James's name to Elvendork (which I would like to point out can be used for a boy or a girl), my name to 'Siriusly Good-Looking' (which I am), Moony's name to SirHowlsALot, and Wormtail's name to Sue. Just Sue.

95. Try and sell Sue as a slave to a member of the school.

96. Use that money to fund the next, as Evans prefers to call them, 'Adult Social Gathering'. Perfectly child-friendly of course, with plenty of pumpkin juice, treacle tart and firewhiskey.

97. Remind Sirius what happened last time he had a sip too much firewhiskey. In a nutshell: female clothing, ear-splitting singing, the giant squid, several barrels of eel-intestines, a disgusted Sally Jenkins and a splitting headache the next day.

98. Flood all of the stairs with water and create the biggest water slide in the history of Hogwarts.

99. Complete all of the tasks on the list, remembering to abide by the rule: IF YOU'RE CAUGHT, BLAME IT ON WORMTAIL.

100. No matter where we are, what we're doing, whatever the circumstances, even when we're old and wrinkled, can't walk straight and are complaining about our backs and the fact that there are kids in our gardens, remember that we will stay united as the troublesome, mischievous, havoc-wreaking Marauders that we are, forever.

_Even me?_

Yeah, Wormtail, even you.

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**A/N****: I'm sure I should apologise for being so mean to Peter in this list, but he was a prat, so I'm not going to. On another note, I now have mental images of Filch and Pince 'getting it on'... UGH.**

Lots of love, SprayPaintedShoes xoxox


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